The Blog of denialsworld

I'm realsing now that not everyone is how they seem, you can be friends with someone for years yet still not know who they really are. And when you see how they act with one person who they 'care' about, it makes you think about whether they would do the same to you if you were in the same position. Or you can be friends with someone since like being a toddler and they could have been your best friend yet when they hate you for some stupid fuck ass reason you don't give a shit because it made you realise how bad a friend they really were.

And to be honest this terrfies me.

In one day your entire life can be twisted upside down and your views can be completely changed. You realise that the happiest days of your life were just a complete lie and all that time and effort you spent trying to patch things up were just a waste and you should have saved all the effort for people that will show their true selves to you. But how do you know when you've met these people? For all you know the people you're using your energy up on now will change in a couple years time and you will be going through all this again.

I hate how people slowly drift apart and how each day is more painful than the last because you know that this weekend will be the last you spend with that person and that there will be no more shared secrets and no more sleepovers and no more making icing for cakes at 2am while covering the kitchen in icing sugar because you wanted to.

But i love how this will all get to happen with new people that you love and care about even more and that you trust these people with your life, yet you can't help but think that eventually you will drift apart and once again you will get the feeling of longing for the 'good old days' which were in fact the worst days of your life.

I can't stand the thought of not being with my current friends.

These are the friends that always seem to know how to make you feel better. I love how they can tell something is wrong just from a hug and that they will do anything in their power to make it better. I love how they're always there for you and help you make desicions about boys by dragging you into the toilets and trying to make you hate one of them. They're different to your last friends, they show that they care, they don't walk away from your problems hoping that it never happened. Instead they take them on full force and stick with you till it's over, comforting you every step of the way. You can tell them anything, and you do. But even though you may be closer to these friends you felt exactly the same so many times before and you remember the outcome. The best days of your life suddenly become the worst and you hate those days with passion, but a part of you still cares about those people because they are memories that were shared. No matter how painful those memories may be to look back on they are still memories and you still shared them with those people, and nothing can change that.

It baffles me how people can change in such a way to one person over a couple months. One day you can be best friend with this person and share everything with them and spend your entire weekend with them laughing and joking and sharing more inside jokes but two months later you won't look each other in the eye because they found someone to replace you while you were gone.

This is something that happens, no matter how many times we say 'friends forever' or 'bessies fo' life' and how you feel afterwards is indescribable. At first you walk round feeling numb until you realise that it's finally over and you either feel a sense of loss or relief. And no matter how much you bitch about it and no matter how much you wish it had never happened, be it your friendship or the fall out, it did happen and you can't change it but you have to move on, but you're being held back by the memories and it's depressing. You walk round your house and each time you step into a room there's a whole story behind it and you look round your room at all the pictures you have all over the walls and all those memories come flooding back no matter how hard you fight them off, they take over you and you end up sat in the middle of your room crying or you end up throwing anything you can get your hands on in the hopes that you won't feel like this anymore. In the hopes that you won't feel so rejected and worthless anymore. But you know you'll get over it but it doesn't stop the pain.

And you wonder for months whether it's your fault that it happened but then when rational thought starts to take over you realise that it's them that changed and it's them that ditched you when you needed them most and you can't help but hate them more than anything because you helped them with their problems yet they used yours as an excuse to get rid of you and you think that maybe you will actually get through this and you find your new friends and the whole circle starts again.

But when do we find the friends we're meant to be with forever? How do we know when we've met them?

All i can say is that i hope i have found them, my friends are just amazing in everyway imaginable. And quite frankly i don't care that they aren't perfect to you. Because they're perfect to me. I trust them with everything and i know that they trust me too. I know that they will listen to me when i need to talk and i know that they won't bitch about me beind my back and i know that they won't lie to me but rather tell me the truth rather then let me embarrass myself. And i know that they won't turn around and stab me in the back and no they won't go out with my boyfriend, unlike some girls i meet. And i need to let them know that i would do anything for them because they mean more than that to me. There is only so much i can do being only a meer mortal but if i could i would make their lives perfect. Yes they would find that boy they wish to find and no they won't have to fight their problems daily because if they don't it will consume them and there would be no way out.

I don't understand how people can bitch about their best friends because your best friends are all you have but they just don't realise that! At the end of the day i don't give a damn if i don't get A's in my subjects, i don't care about whether i pass my dance and drum exams, i couldn't care less whether that boy likes me, as long as i have my friends i have everything.