The Blog of denialsworld

 

I’m scared, more than I ever have been. I can almost feel it creeping up on me with its vicious claws ready to grab hold of me, and to never let go. Part of me isn’t scared; but this just frightens me more. There is no way this can happen to me, not with what I want to do, who I want to be and who I don’t want to be. I can’t turn into her. I won’t turn into her. I have to fight it, but part of me feels almost…hope by it, yet all evidence contradicts what that corner of me believes could happen, which is exactly what it wants. Fight Alex, fight. I don’t want to become weak. I have to stay strong. I say this to myself each and every day, but my own reply is simply, ‘But why?’ To this I have no response, just that I shouldn’t fall into it; it won’t make anything easier, only harder. It will only mess me up more, make the world unbearable to live in. It will make me say similar things to my close friends, as she once said to me. I can’t put them through that; I can’t let them be haunted by those words. Yet one corner of my mind has already slipped into that mind set, and it’s telling the rest of me that it is all right, I’m allowed. All evidence contradicts what I’m trying to convince myself. Fight Alex, fight. I don’t want to be controlled, especially by that. I don’t want to go through what she went through; it was hard enough from my viewpoint. I don’t want to end up as just another statistic, just another teenage girl for people to read about in magazines and tabloid newspapers, before forgetting about me only minutes later. I’m not entirely sure how it started, or why it started, though I could take a good guess. Just the same reason as all the others. I’m slowly becoming one of the girls I want to save, I’m slowly becoming just someone else going through the stages and the torment and the deceiving and the lying, and I don’t deserve it. Fight Alex, fight. I can’t let them down again; I can’t allow her to look up to me if I fall into it. I can’t let anyone know if it happens, in fear they will walk away. There is no evidence to contradict that last statement. Fight Alex, fight. I already know it will make me feel more isolated and feel more helpless and weak, but I also know the happiness that will come from it, and I want to experience it. But once I start; I don’t stop. I know that, it’s common sense. Once I start I feel good about what I’ve done, I hide it more, knowing it is wrong but not wanting to lose that feeling, I push myself away harder to make it easier to hide, and I do it more and more. I don’t stop; I know that. It’s common sense. Fight Alex, fight. My attempts so far have failed, but I just try harder next time; eventually I won’t fail, eventually I’ll succeed. I need to stop before I start, but it’s hard. I need it. I crave that feeling that I know I will have once I have succeeded, I want that feeling, I need it. My failed attempts simply frustrate me; I need to find another way, but I’m so aware of what it will bring down upon me, I’m so aware of the fact that I can’t walk into this and be able to walk out of it. Fight Alex, fight. The more things seem to go wrong, the more I feel like I want to because I know it will make me feel better but I also know it will not help in the long run. It will just make it worse. I need to get out of this way of thinking, but every time I try to I just feel disgusted with myself at what I’m doing. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do. I’m in the middle, on the edge. Half way between content, with everything going as it should be, and disappointed, with everything going wrong. I’m not sure which side of the line I will end up on, but either way I’m going to have to be tough. I should ask for help, but I don’t want anyone to know; I don’t want anyone to know me that well. I can’t put myself in that position, I’m too scared they’ll use it against me. Fight Alex, fight. I know someone who would understand more than anyone but I can’t turn to her anymore, and I’m scared that if I tell people I will end up like her; I can’t let that happen. I hate this, so much. I hate how it makes me feel, how I feel so alone, how I feel I have no one to turn to. Fight Alex, fight. But how much longer?
 
I want it all to stop. I want it all back. I want to not regret.   I want to actually feel a part of something. I want to not feel alone. I want to laugh so hard I cry. I want to not feel like this. I want to not be scared. I want to have it all. I want to be proved wrong.