The Blog of denialsworld

The feeling is back. 

I had been doing so well so far.

Not once had I the desire.

I’m so scared.

I’m scared that I will keep trying and that eventually I will succeed and then I won’t stop.  What if I don’t stop?  What will I do then?  I can’t ask for help, I’m too scared to let anyone see this much of me.  But I can’t go through this alone.  I’m so scared, I don’t know what to do.  If I go with this, if I subject myself to this, if I stop fighting then everything will go wrong.  I know what it will do to me and I cannot allow myself to become like that.  It will be the last straw, I won’t be able to crawl out of it alone, but I will reject any help that eventually will be forced upon me.  I can’t become one of the girls I want to save.  I’m so scared. 

I need to ask someone for help, but I really do not know who.  The only people I trust enough I’m too scared to tell in fear they won’t help, then again also in fear they will.  I don’t know what to do; I just know I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t keep feeling like this and then just sitting in my room crying, clutching my stomach and digging my nails into my arms in an attempt to distract myself.  I can’t keep crying over the same people and the same memories.  I really don’t know what to do.  I need to ask for help. I’m scared.